with a little help from my friends

SUPPORT

when i first came to seattle 2 years ago, my professor said to think of three people in your close circle. Tell those three people that you are going through graduate school and you will need them for support and strength to get through this process. i thought about it casually thinking those people in my support system will probably be too busy and i can handle grad school just fine on my own.

now as i get through the last few weeks in my program i realize i have to acknowledge my friends back home, across the world and in seattle who have been able to lend an ear, a hug, some assuring words.

this past year has been extremely stressful for me and some of my friends and family have gotten phone calls of me ranting. i often felt emotional. do people understand me? do people care? am i crazy?

recently, i have gotten some phone calls from friends sharing the same concerns and issues that i can relate to. then i realized something. we are always going through some kind of transition. transition and change is difficult. especially this "quarter-life crisis". how do we build and find a community? a community can be the answer of finding people to feel connected. studies find happiness is linked to feeling like you belong. a community can be hard to find after college when you now have to figure out what group you want to be part of. a community can be hard to find when you are a transplant.

so i am reminded that it is okay to ask for a little help from my friends and to let them know that i was thinking of them or that i care about them.

is happiness only real when shared?

learning to Exhale

i got a job! a job in seattle! a job i want!

i think the job search process for me has signified the point i am in my life. 25 now and doing the first job search for what i really wanted to start my career in. no more looking for a whatever job or being care-free about taking a break before looking for work. i've got bills, bills, bills and know what i want and want to start working.

so looking for a job and wanting to stay in seattle has been super stressful. this week i got the call from a community college in seattle that i got the job. i can't believe it and am very happy. it has been my dream to get a job like this and for me to stay in the area a little longer.

it's crazy. i'll be starting part time soon and will have start full time right when i graduate. it's going to be a transition as friends and classmates move away. i end my time as a grad student and go into the working world. i 'll also be moving out of my apartment at the end of july.

so i am happy and happy for all the support

the quarter life crisis

i'm 25. i'm sadly now at the age where i don't always want to share my age. i guess it started at work where i'm either seen as old or too young, making it a factor in my competency.

on the quest for job searching and living out in seattle has been making me contemplate what do i want.

an area of question is spirituality. from my MBTI (myers briggs) i should be someone who would be very interested in spirituality. it makes sense. i'm very interested in trying to figure out and discussing the meaning of life and how to live my life.

i love to engage in meaningful conversation and have deep talks with friends. i think i've been embarrassed by this characteristic of mine but now i'm starting to think i should embrace it. if i could find a community that enjoyed engaging in deep conversation about life than i should fine one. it just makes sense a spiritual group may answer my prayers (no pun intended).

and the sad thing is when i say i don't have time to go on a spiritual quest. it's time to take time.

no more scrubs

i'm at home with a muscle spasm in my neck, missing a concert i really wanted to go to. when i get hurt, i get lonely and sad. those are the times i miss people especially my family and wish i had someone to take care of me. thank goodness for my two good friends here who went to the hospital with me and that meant a lot.

and tonight as i'm laying in bed feeling bored and sorry for myself i get a text from a guy i met at a club last week. i thought he was funny and charming at the time. and then he goes on to text me asking me to hang out and alluding that he wants to hook up with me. first of all, i am hurt. i freakin hurt my neck and u want me to hook up with u?!!! god damn u!

is it so much to ask for someone to be caring? to show some compassion or concern?

so the question goes back to what i want? do i go with the flow, something that may seem foolish or fun and a fling?

yet i am reminded by my values and my wants and my integrity.

i want respect.

i want caring.

i want something meaningful.

so once again, my values and wants take over and i continue to be on my own. kinda frustrating but at least i'm waiting for something more.

feeling blue yet feeling true

why don't i blog anymore? it's funny or scary how as we get older we are more protected and guarded to share components of who we are. i get nervous about putting information online where all can see, where i can be held accountable, where i can be judged or offend others.

yet i love to express myself and my medium to do that has always been in the reflection manner or journaling.

so what's with my image? i've been in a funky negative mood these days. luckily, it's picking back up. i like to think of myself as a laid back person who is able to stay calm and not sweat the small stuff. stress is my enemy and i try to avoid it. but i have faced stress one too many times this quarter.

the big cause of my stress has been job searching. this is my first big job search as i get ready to graduate from my master's program. there is an added pressure for me to get a full time job that i'm happy with and something that relates to my master's that i spend my last two year effort in. there are so many questions to ask myself and think about during this process.

where do i want to go? stay in seattle. go back to cali. go somewhere, anywhere.

what am i looking for in a job? what kind of office do i want to work for and with whom?

what are my non-negotiables?

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as i was rejected from a position that i wanted and could solve many of my issues so i could stay here in Seattle, I've had to do some accepting. i learned not to let my ego get the best of me. it's so easy to throw in the towel, hate the world, and hide in a shell. but who wins in that situation? i have to believe, be hopeful, and have faith. i believe there is something out there for me. i believe my hard work will pay off.

second, i have learned that it is important for self-care and to get support during these stressful times. i had some break down moments this quarter as i was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of being burnt out. i have a 20 hour graduate job on campus, a 12 hour internship with a 30 minute commute, two graduate courses, and my volunteer work with the Japanese community - plus trying to have a social life.

i like to think that i can multi task well but sometimes its time to give something up so i can enjoy some peace and quiet. Learning to find a balance in my life has always been a challenge and something i strive for and it's funny how i again have to re-evaluate my priorities in life.

so i don't know how to end this entry. but i do want to say thank you for the support and how important it is to have relationships in my life. sometimes i realize i don't reach out enough. i like helping others so much but don't like asking others for help or sharing that i'm struggling. some of you are far away and i realize the lines of communication is varied and that's why i do appreciate blogs and facebook or email.

i wish i could just share about all that is great in my life and how much fun i'm having in seattle but there's my ego talking, and let's be real, life is hard and we can connect through the good times and the bad times. so with that, i say good night and i'm going to go watch a cheesy movie that involves LA and joseph gordon lovitt.

sitting in my warm room with the windows open almost makes me think about how i was living at home last year in a hot room. now in seattle, i'm in a much smaller place, with one roommate, i never open the windows cuz it's cold. but seattle now has SUN! it's a whole new place. and everyone is taking advantage and everyone has gotten out of their hybernation.

it's crazy to think back and think of my life back in la. today, a japanese friend from hawaii was saying i was a stereotypical japanese so-cal girl. haha. stereotype or not, i do love and am part of so cal. and i shouldn't be ashamed of that here in seattle. i do love the sun, i do love to go out to cool restaurants and after party spots. i do like seattle and my neighborhood a lot. i love living on my own again. i love being single in a city. although seattle is not really a hot sex in the city type place. then again, i do live in the gay area of town. but still, men here just seem more reserved or not as aggressive but it's not like i'm looking in the right places either.

being away from home has been good for me. it has given me time to invest in myself and future. it is hard to look out for just myself. i like to care for others and get invested in taking care of my family and friends. taking this journey to seattle feltl like a selfish one for me. but if i didn't take it now, when would i?
and the great thing is that i'm meeting a lot of people wiht the similar position as me. other transplants who are up for adventure, exploring, and living life. it is hard to say if i'll be staying here after next year when i graduate. but i can say that i do love it here and think i am at the right place in my life right now.

happy easter!

i guess it's certain days, particulary holidays, when i miss my family. this is the first easter i haven't spent with my family.
i've been all about being independent, being single, living in the city with the other 20-somethings and loners. but i am a family-oriented person.
today i went to my mom's cousins' house for easter. i really appreciate being invited and included in this family gathering, especially me being the new member to the group. i missed being in a home. i got to talk to new people, children, and dogs. these are the kinds of things i 've taken for granted back home.


it really is crazy how a little gesture like that can be so meaningful. i have to remember to reach out to others and include others on my own adventures.