Quitting and getting better at it

Every day in my childhood home I'd have to walk out the door and read the words on the white board that said, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win."

Fear is a powerful tool and I used fear as a way to motivate myself to be a winner and not a quitter. For so long I lived with the belief that my fear of failing and quitting was the key to my success. I rationalized that by over worrying, I then became over prepared, and was able to achieve my goals. For crying out loud, I was voted "Most Prepared Camper" at 6th grade camp because I packed an emergency kit and sunblock which I was able to help another classmate in need.

The problem with having a winner mentality was that I only wanted to do things that I believed I could win. This made takings risks a little difficult. Did it matter that I enjoyed what I was winning at? I didn't take the time to ask myself that.

My senior year in high school my dad decided I needed to see a personal trainer to get in shape for my last high school national tournament. I take one look at my personal trainer, a 30 year old guy with a long perm in a ponytail, tank top, knee-length shorts, skater black socks, and workout shoes and I wanted to run away. I've seen this guy before at the gym and I wrote him off as one of those too cool guys with attitude.

He had his own opinions about me. He took one look at me in my Nike everything covered from head to toe, and looked me squarely in the eye and asked, "Are you hear because you want to be here or because your dad made you?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that question. For my whole life I was doing things because my dad made me. Some days I'd show up to judo practice with my eyes puffy and my face red because I'd be crying the entire drive to the dojo trying to convince my dad I didn't want to practice that day. My dad would say I'd thank him later.The senseis ignored the look on my face and worked me hard to become a winner.

So I answered, "Both. My dad and I want the same thing."

"I want to make sure you are here because you want it or else I'm wasting my time," he said.

What I want? No one really asked me what I wanted, not even myself. As a winner, everyone had the same plan to help me stay a winner. Being a winner was my identity.


I think of my trainer because he really got me thinking about what do I want rather than what others wanted for me. As for that year for me in judo, I was changing. For one, my body changed and I gained weight to the next weight level bracket. As a senior in high school I was focused on going to college and my leadership responsibilities at school. I placed third place in the previous high school national and this was supposed to be my year to win. I ended up losing. After that tournament I told my dad I'm sorry I lost. My heart is no longer in judo and I no longer want to compete. Well I didn't say it so eloquently at the time. I remember there being a lot of crying. He gave me a hug and said, "Whatever you want honey."

***
Now here I am. I am exploring what I want. I decided to take a creative writing class at my work, a community college, to explore this inkling I had for writing. A couple of students I advise were in the class and I could tell they were keeping an eye on me.

It's been awhile that I took a class but being a student is easy to me. Yet I was getting overwhelmed with the assignments combined with my work schedule, exercise, volunteer commitments, and social life. When listening to myself, I thought this class isn't what I was expecting. I'm not enjoying this. Yet the winner mentality in me was thinking, but I'm good at it and I can't quit. My students tried convincing me to stay in the class. Again, the old me was thinking, I should look good for my students and the teacher, and just stick it out. Who cares if I'm miserable?

Then on Monday I woke up and decided I needed to drop the class. On Tuesday, I talked to the instructor to let him know. He was okay with it but he said that he thinks I have something to say and should continue writing. I know that and I will write on my terms. I took the class because I felt I needed to get the tools to learn how to write. But yet what I need to do is have the courage to just start writing and do it.  In one class, we watched a video of a writer who shared self-pity is a wasted emotion. Yet anger can help a writer. A writer could use anger as energy.

As a recovering winner and overachiever, I'm enjoying this thing called quitting.

Leap of Faith - Part 1

I took the leap. The leap of of faith to apply to a Doctoral program. The application was due on Monday after Thanksgiving.
I've been doing vocational discernment (a fancy Jesuit phrase I picked up in graduate school) to make some decisions on my future career path. It's been quite a year.

Here are some themes I have learned along this process:

Just do it! 
I can be pretty wishy-washy at times. Decisions can be quite difficult for me as I try to see two sides to every situation. This year I looked outside of myself for some of my big decisions. I was talking to friends, co-workers, family members, religious figures, and let's be honest, pretty much any one would listen. At a nail salon one day, the nail salon owner told me to not go back to LA. Of course she would say that. She wants me to keep coming to her salon.
So from what I learned earlier this year with asking everyone under the sun, I decided I was going to take more of a quiet approach applying for the Phd. I used my resources and network to talk to a select few that I was considering applying. I started to get nervous, scared, and fearful if it was too soon for me to apply and if I could get it done in time. But then I just kept thinking, "Screw it, I'm just going to do it." What do I have to lose?
It was surreal trying to think in student mode again. It's funny because I help my students apply to get into college and now I had to try to listen to my own advice.

Revealing myself to myself
Writing the personal statement was a nerve wrecking experience yet also a blessing. Obviously the personal statement is personal and that was my challenge. From the emotional and spiritual work I have been doing on myself up to this point, this personal statement allowed me to reflect and share my story and why I wanted to pursue this program. Yet, I wrote things that no one knows about me. I don't openly share my own educational experiences, why I got into education, and what inspires me. I handed in my personal statement to one of my letter writers and was hesitant. Even though he knew me well, he didn't know some of the personal stories in my letter. I was nervous and felt I had to explain and prepare him before reading my letter. After I did that, I realized it wasn't him but it was actually me learning to be comfortable with my story. And if i'm going to want to be a researcher and a writer, I'm sure as hell going to have to get used to writing and being vulnerable on paper.

I'm capable!
From the beginning, I noticed a fearful voice in my head saying that I always wanted a PhD but didn't think I could get it. Like I should be realistic and not do it. I had to become my best cheerleader and remind myself, I am capable to getting a PhD, and if I get in a program, I'm not a quitter or a slacker. I'm going to put my sweat and tears into it and finish it. Over and over again, I've had to keep the positive energy and tell myself: I am strong, courageous, and intelligent.

Transparency
It is also scary for me to tell others what I want and what I need from them. Isn't that what intimacy is all about? And once I started to tell people, I had an epiphany: the more I tell people what I want, the more they listen to me. And the more they listen to me, the more they support me.

with a little help from my friends

SUPPORT

when i first came to seattle 2 years ago, my professor said to think of three people in your close circle. Tell those three people that you are going through graduate school and you will need them for support and strength to get through this process. i thought about it casually thinking those people in my support system will probably be too busy and i can handle grad school just fine on my own.

now as i get through the last few weeks in my program i realize i have to acknowledge my friends back home, across the world and in seattle who have been able to lend an ear, a hug, some assuring words.

this past year has been extremely stressful for me and some of my friends and family have gotten phone calls of me ranting. i often felt emotional. do people understand me? do people care? am i crazy?

recently, i have gotten some phone calls from friends sharing the same concerns and issues that i can relate to. then i realized something. we are always going through some kind of transition. transition and change is difficult. especially this "quarter-life crisis". how do we build and find a community? a community can be the answer of finding people to feel connected. studies find happiness is linked to feeling like you belong. a community can be hard to find after college when you now have to figure out what group you want to be part of. a community can be hard to find when you are a transplant.

so i am reminded that it is okay to ask for a little help from my friends and to let them know that i was thinking of them or that i care about them.

is happiness only real when shared?

learning to Exhale

i got a job! a job in seattle! a job i want!

i think the job search process for me has signified the point i am in my life. 25 now and doing the first job search for what i really wanted to start my career in. no more looking for a whatever job or being care-free about taking a break before looking for work. i've got bills, bills, bills and know what i want and want to start working.

so looking for a job and wanting to stay in seattle has been super stressful. this week i got the call from a community college in seattle that i got the job. i can't believe it and am very happy. it has been my dream to get a job like this and for me to stay in the area a little longer.

it's crazy. i'll be starting part time soon and will have start full time right when i graduate. it's going to be a transition as friends and classmates move away. i end my time as a grad student and go into the working world. i 'll also be moving out of my apartment at the end of july.

so i am happy and happy for all the support

the quarter life crisis

i'm 25. i'm sadly now at the age where i don't always want to share my age. i guess it started at work where i'm either seen as old or too young, making it a factor in my competency.

on the quest for job searching and living out in seattle has been making me contemplate what do i want.

an area of question is spirituality. from my MBTI (myers briggs) i should be someone who would be very interested in spirituality. it makes sense. i'm very interested in trying to figure out and discussing the meaning of life and how to live my life.

i love to engage in meaningful conversation and have deep talks with friends. i think i've been embarrassed by this characteristic of mine but now i'm starting to think i should embrace it. if i could find a community that enjoyed engaging in deep conversation about life than i should fine one. it just makes sense a spiritual group may answer my prayers (no pun intended).

and the sad thing is when i say i don't have time to go on a spiritual quest. it's time to take time.

no more scrubs

i'm at home with a muscle spasm in my neck, missing a concert i really wanted to go to. when i get hurt, i get lonely and sad. those are the times i miss people especially my family and wish i had someone to take care of me. thank goodness for my two good friends here who went to the hospital with me and that meant a lot.

and tonight as i'm laying in bed feeling bored and sorry for myself i get a text from a guy i met at a club last week. i thought he was funny and charming at the time. and then he goes on to text me asking me to hang out and alluding that he wants to hook up with me. first of all, i am hurt. i freakin hurt my neck and u want me to hook up with u?!!! god damn u!

is it so much to ask for someone to be caring? to show some compassion or concern?

so the question goes back to what i want? do i go with the flow, something that may seem foolish or fun and a fling?

yet i am reminded by my values and my wants and my integrity.

i want respect.

i want caring.

i want something meaningful.

so once again, my values and wants take over and i continue to be on my own. kinda frustrating but at least i'm waiting for something more.

feeling blue yet feeling true

why don't i blog anymore? it's funny or scary how as we get older we are more protected and guarded to share components of who we are. i get nervous about putting information online where all can see, where i can be held accountable, where i can be judged or offend others.

yet i love to express myself and my medium to do that has always been in the reflection manner or journaling.

so what's with my image? i've been in a funky negative mood these days. luckily, it's picking back up. i like to think of myself as a laid back person who is able to stay calm and not sweat the small stuff. stress is my enemy and i try to avoid it. but i have faced stress one too many times this quarter.

the big cause of my stress has been job searching. this is my first big job search as i get ready to graduate from my master's program. there is an added pressure for me to get a full time job that i'm happy with and something that relates to my master's that i spend my last two year effort in. there are so many questions to ask myself and think about during this process.

where do i want to go? stay in seattle. go back to cali. go somewhere, anywhere.

what am i looking for in a job? what kind of office do i want to work for and with whom?

what are my non-negotiables?

-----------------------------------

as i was rejected from a position that i wanted and could solve many of my issues so i could stay here in Seattle, I've had to do some accepting. i learned not to let my ego get the best of me. it's so easy to throw in the towel, hate the world, and hide in a shell. but who wins in that situation? i have to believe, be hopeful, and have faith. i believe there is something out there for me. i believe my hard work will pay off.

second, i have learned that it is important for self-care and to get support during these stressful times. i had some break down moments this quarter as i was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of being burnt out. i have a 20 hour graduate job on campus, a 12 hour internship with a 30 minute commute, two graduate courses, and my volunteer work with the Japanese community - plus trying to have a social life.

i like to think that i can multi task well but sometimes its time to give something up so i can enjoy some peace and quiet. Learning to find a balance in my life has always been a challenge and something i strive for and it's funny how i again have to re-evaluate my priorities in life.

so i don't know how to end this entry. but i do want to say thank you for the support and how important it is to have relationships in my life. sometimes i realize i don't reach out enough. i like helping others so much but don't like asking others for help or sharing that i'm struggling. some of you are far away and i realize the lines of communication is varied and that's why i do appreciate blogs and facebook or email.

i wish i could just share about all that is great in my life and how much fun i'm having in seattle but there's my ego talking, and let's be real, life is hard and we can connect through the good times and the bad times. so with that, i say good night and i'm going to go watch a cheesy movie that involves LA and joseph gordon lovitt.