Every day in my childhood home I'd have to walk out the door and read the words on the white board that said, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win."
Fear is a powerful tool and I used fear as a way to motivate myself to be a winner and not a quitter. For so long I lived with the belief that my fear of failing and quitting was the key to my success. I rationalized that by over worrying, I then became over prepared, and was able to achieve my goals. For crying out loud, I was voted "Most Prepared Camper" at 6th grade camp because I packed an emergency kit and sunblock which I was able to help another classmate in need.
The problem with having a winner mentality was that I only wanted to do things that I believed I could win. This made takings risks a little difficult. Did it matter that I enjoyed what I was winning at? I didn't take the time to ask myself that.
My senior year in high school my dad decided I needed to see a personal trainer to get in shape for my last high school national tournament. I take one look at my personal trainer, a 30 year old guy with a long perm in a ponytail, tank top, knee-length shorts, skater black socks, and workout shoes and I wanted to run away. I've seen this guy before at the gym and I wrote him off as one of those too cool guys with attitude.
He had his own opinions about me. He took one look at me in my Nike everything covered from head to toe, and looked me squarely in the eye and asked, "Are you hear because you want to be here or because your dad made you?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that question. For my whole life I was doing things because my dad made me. Some days I'd show up to judo practice with my eyes puffy and my face red because I'd be crying the entire drive to the dojo trying to convince my dad I didn't want to practice that day. My dad would say I'd thank him later.The senseis ignored the look on my face and worked me hard to become a winner.
So I answered, "Both. My dad and I want the same thing."
"I want to make sure you are here because you want it or else I'm wasting my time," he said.
What I want? No one really asked me what I wanted, not even myself. As a winner, everyone had the same plan to help me stay a winner. Being a winner was my identity.
I think of my trainer because he really got me thinking about what do I want rather than what others wanted for me. As for that year for me in judo, I was changing. For one, my body changed and I gained weight to the next weight level bracket. As a senior in high school I was focused on going to college and my leadership responsibilities at school. I placed third place in the previous high school national and this was supposed to be my year to win. I ended up losing. After that tournament I told my dad I'm sorry I lost. My heart is no longer in judo and I no longer want to compete. Well I didn't say it so eloquently at the time. I remember there being a lot of crying. He gave me a hug and said, "Whatever you want honey."
***
Now here I am. I am exploring what I want. I decided to take a creative writing class at my work, a community college, to explore this inkling I had for writing. A couple of students I advise were in the class and I could tell they were keeping an eye on me.
It's been awhile that I took a class but being a student is easy to me. Yet I was getting overwhelmed with the assignments combined with my work schedule, exercise, volunteer commitments, and social life. When listening to myself, I thought this class isn't what I was expecting. I'm not enjoying this. Yet the winner mentality in me was thinking, but I'm good at it and I can't quit. My students tried convincing me to stay in the class. Again, the old me was thinking, I should look good for my students and the teacher, and just stick it out. Who cares if I'm miserable?
Then on Monday I woke up and decided I needed to drop the class. On Tuesday, I talked to the instructor to let him know. He was okay with it but he said that he thinks I have something to say and should continue writing. I know that and I will write on my terms. I took the class because I felt I needed to get the tools to learn how to write. But yet what I need to do is have the courage to just start writing and do it. In one class, we watched a video of a writer who shared self-pity is a wasted emotion. Yet anger can help a writer. A writer could use anger as energy.
As a recovering winner and overachiever, I'm enjoying this thing called quitting.
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