I took the leap. The leap of of faith to apply to a Doctoral program. The application was due on Monday after Thanksgiving.
I've been doing vocational discernment (a fancy Jesuit phrase I picked up in graduate school) to make some decisions on my future career path. It's been quite a year.
Here are some themes I have learned along this process:
Just do it!
I can be pretty wishy-washy at times. Decisions can be quite difficult for me as I try to see two sides to every situation. This year I looked outside of myself for some of my big decisions. I was talking to friends, co-workers, family members, religious figures, and let's be honest, pretty much any one would listen. At a nail salon one day, the nail salon owner told me to not go back to LA. Of course she would say that. She wants me to keep coming to her salon.
So from what I learned earlier this year with asking everyone under the sun, I decided I was going to take more of a quiet approach applying for the Phd. I used my resources and network to talk to a select few that I was considering applying. I started to get nervous, scared, and fearful if it was too soon for me to apply and if I could get it done in time. But then I just kept thinking, "Screw it, I'm just going to do it." What do I have to lose?
It was surreal trying to think in student mode again. It's funny because I help my students apply to get into college and now I had to try to listen to my own advice.
Revealing myself to myself
Writing the personal statement was a nerve wrecking experience yet also a blessing. Obviously the personal statement is personal and that was my challenge. From the emotional and spiritual work I have been doing on myself up to this point, this personal statement allowed me to reflect and share my story and why I wanted to pursue this program. Yet, I wrote things that no one knows about me. I don't openly share my own educational experiences, why I got into education, and what inspires me. I handed in my personal statement to one of my letter writers and was hesitant. Even though he knew me well, he didn't know some of the personal stories in my letter. I was nervous and felt I had to explain and prepare him before reading my letter. After I did that, I realized it wasn't him but it was actually me learning to be comfortable with my story. And if i'm going to want to be a researcher and a writer, I'm sure as hell going to have to get used to writing and being vulnerable on paper.
I'm capable!
From the beginning, I noticed a fearful voice in my head saying that I always wanted a PhD but didn't think I could get it. Like I should be realistic and not do it. I had to become my best cheerleader and remind myself, I am capable to getting a PhD, and if I get in a program, I'm not a quitter or a slacker. I'm going to put my sweat and tears into it and finish it. Over and over again, I've had to keep the positive energy and tell myself: I am strong, courageous, and intelligent.
Transparency
It is also scary for me to tell others what I want and what I need from them. Isn't that what intimacy is all about? And once I started to tell people, I had an epiphany: the more I tell people what I want, the more they listen to me. And the more they listen to me, the more they support me.
