opening up is one of the hardest things to do. sure, i like to have a lot of friends but those that i share my core, really trust, are a very selected few, and even those don't know lots about me.

and from old blogs, i have brought up the issue of my shyness and my keeping things in. but on the other hand, i am very expressive and love to talk to friends for hours about feelings and such.

what about confrontation? i hate it. i avoid it all costs. being confronted yesterday caught me off guard. i couldn't run away from it. i had to take it in. take in the constructive criticism. think of new ways to improve myself.
and all i want to do is runaway. and i can't. it's time to face my fears. go forward. take more initiative.

"let's push things forward "- the streets

the pressure is on. when i think about it, we sometimes need a little pressure and deadlines to push us to get things done. if there wasn't a deadline for my grad school apps, would i really get them done and turn them in? probably not.
i guess for that matter, it's good to set goals, deadlines, and due dates. that being said, it's a real pain in the butt getting them done.
so i turned in another app. now got one school app to do and one app to get a grad job coming up. it's crazy to think that my life can completely change in a matter of months. i have gotten so used to working the 9-5 serving students and i'm going to be a student again. and i 'm realizing it's not going to be all fun and games like i'm fantacizing about. there's that part of school that i forget. the tons of reading, staying up late, procrastinating, writing, and to top it off, my field work will take a big chunk of my time. but i really look forward to that. the routine of working the office life 9-5 is draining and i want to be active and moving again.


that being said, thanks for the friends and family who are coping and supporting me right now. ok i know my family doesn't read this but i've just been a real beech to them lately. and i think they just think that i hate being home and can't wait to get out of there. and sometimes that's true but i really do enjoy being at home. there is a comfort coming home after a long day of work, having a meal ready for u (well sometimes), digital cable, my family, and my dog.
like last night, i came home, after being in crappy traffic, and the power is out in my neighborhood. my sister is sleeping and no one else is home. it was kinda a sad and lonely moment. what am i supposed to do with myself ? so i hopped in bed with my dog curled next to me. got a candle and started reading. 5 minutes later, i'm having one of the best sleeps all month.
i struggle with wanting independence and to live on my home vs. to live and be around those that i care the most about. i guess it doesn't have to be one or the other