A Place to Call My Own

with a little help from my friends

2010-05-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

SUPPORT

when i first came to seattle 2 years ago, my professor said to think of three people in your close circle. Tell those three people that you are going through graduate school and you will need them for support and strength to get through this process. i thought about it casually thinking those people in my support system will probably be too busy and i can handle grad school just fine on my own.

now as i get through the last few weeks in my program i realize i have to acknowledge my friends back home, across the world and in seattle who have been able to lend an ear, a hug, some assuring words.

this past year has been extremely stressful for me and some of my friends and family have gotten phone calls of me ranting. i often felt emotional. do people understand me? do people care? am i crazy?

recently, i have gotten some phone calls from friends sharing the same concerns and issues that i can relate to. then i realized something. we are always going through some kind of transition. transition and change is difficult. especially this "quarter-life crisis". how do we build and find a community? a community can be the answer of finding people to feel connected. studies find happiness is linked to feeling like you belong. a community can be hard to find after college when you now have to figure out what group you want to be part of. a community can be hard to find when you are a transplant.

so i am reminded that it is okay to ask for a little help from my friends and to let them know that i was thinking of them or that i care about them.

is happiness only real when shared?

learning to Exhale

2010-05-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

i got a job! a job in seattle! a job i want!

i think the job search process for me has signified the point i am in my life. 25 now and doing the first job search for what i really wanted to start my career in. no more looking for a whatever job or being care-free about taking a break before looking for work. i've got bills, bills, bills and know what i want and want to start working.

so looking for a job and wanting to stay in seattle has been super stressful. this week i got the call from a community college in seattle that i got the job. i can't believe it and am very happy. it has been my dream to get a job like this and for me to stay in the area a little longer.

it's crazy. i'll be starting part time soon and will have start full time right when i graduate. it's going to be a transition as friends and classmates move away. i end my time as a grad student and go into the working world. i 'll also be moving out of my apartment at the end of july.

so i am happy and happy for all the support

the quarter life crisis

2010-04-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

i'm 25. i'm sadly now at the age where i don't always want to share my age. i guess it started at work where i'm either seen as old or too young, making it a factor in my competency.

on the quest for job searching and living out in seattle has been making me contemplate what do i want.

an area of question is spirituality. from my MBTI (myers briggs) i should be someone who would be very interested in spirituality. it makes sense. i'm very interested in trying to figure out and discussing the meaning of life and how to live my life.

i love to engage in meaningful conversation and have deep talks with friends. i think i've been embarrassed by this characteristic of mine but now i'm starting to think i should embrace it. if i could find a community that enjoyed engaging in deep conversation about life than i should fine one. it just makes sense a spiritual group may answer my prayers (no pun intended).

and the sad thing is when i say i don't have time to go on a spiritual quest. it's time to take time.

no more scrubs

2010-03-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

i'm at home with a muscle spasm in my neck, missing a concert i really wanted to go to. when i get hurt, i get lonely and sad. those are the times i miss people especially my family and wish i had someone to take care of me. thank goodness for my two good friends here who went to the hospital with me and that meant a lot.

and tonight as i'm laying in bed feeling bored and sorry for myself i get a text from a guy i met at a club last week. i thought he was funny and charming at the time. and then he goes on to text me asking me to hang out and alluding that he wants to hook up with me. first of all, i am hurt. i freakin hurt my neck and u want me to hook up with u?!!! god damn u!

is it so much to ask for someone to be caring? to show some compassion or concern?

so the question goes back to what i want? do i go with the flow, something that may seem foolish or fun and a fling?

yet i am reminded by my values and my wants and my integrity.

i want respect.

i want caring.

i want something meaningful.

so once again, my values and wants take over and i continue to be on my own. kinda frustrating but at least i'm waiting for something more.

feeling blue yet feeling true

2010-03-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

why don't i blog anymore? it's funny or scary how as we get older we are more protected and guarded to share components of who we are. i get nervous about putting information online where all can see, where i can be held accountable, where i can be judged or offend others.

yet i love to express myself and my medium to do that has always been in the reflection manner or journaling.

so what's with my image? i've been in a funky negative mood these days. luckily, it's picking back up. i like to think of myself as a laid back person who is able to stay calm and not sweat the small stuff. stress is my enemy and i try to avoid it. but i have faced stress one too many times this quarter.

the big cause of my stress has been job searching. this is my first big job search as i get ready to graduate from my master's program. there is an added pressure for me to get a full time job that i'm happy with and something that relates to my master's that i spend my last two year effort in. there are so many questions to ask myself and think about during this process.

where do i want to go? stay in seattle. go back to cali. go somewhere, anywhere.

what am i looking for in a job? what kind of office do i want to work for and with whom?

what are my non-negotiables?

-----------------------------------

as i was rejected from a position that i wanted and could solve many of my issues so i could stay here in Seattle, I've had to do some accepting. i learned not to let my ego get the best of me. it's so easy to throw in the towel, hate the world, and hide in a shell. but who wins in that situation? i have to believe, be hopeful, and have faith. i believe there is something out there for me. i believe my hard work will pay off.

second, i have learned that it is important for self-care and to get support during these stressful times. i had some break down moments this quarter as i was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of being burnt out. i have a 20 hour graduate job on campus, a 12 hour internship with a 30 minute commute, two graduate courses, and my volunteer work with the Japanese community - plus trying to have a social life.

i like to think that i can multi task well but sometimes its time to give something up so i can enjoy some peace and quiet. Learning to find a balance in my life has always been a challenge and something i strive for and it's funny how i again have to re-evaluate my priorities in life.

so i don't know how to end this entry. but i do want to say thank you for the support and how important it is to have relationships in my life. sometimes i realize i don't reach out enough. i like helping others so much but don't like asking others for help or sharing that i'm struggling. some of you are far away and i realize the lines of communication is varied and that's why i do appreciate blogs and facebook or email.

i wish i could just share about all that is great in my life and how much fun i'm having in seattle but there's my ego talking, and let's be real, life is hard and we can connect through the good times and the bad times. so with that, i say good night and i'm going to go watch a cheesy movie that involves LA and joseph gordon lovitt.

2009-05-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

sitting in my warm room with the windows open almost makes me think about how i was living at home last year in a hot room. now in seattle, i'm in a much smaller place, with one roommate, i never open the windows cuz it's cold. but seattle now has SUN! it's a whole new place. and everyone is taking advantage and everyone has gotten out of their hybernation.

it's crazy to think back and think of my life back in la. today, a japanese friend from hawaii was saying i was a stereotypical japanese so-cal girl. haha. stereotype or not, i do love and am part of so cal. and i shouldn't be ashamed of that here in seattle. i do love the sun, i do love to go out to cool restaurants and after party spots. i do like seattle and my neighborhood a lot. i love living on my own again. i love being single in a city. although seattle is not really a hot sex in the city type place. then again, i do live in the gay area of town. but still, men here just seem more reserved or not as aggressive but it's not like i'm looking in the right places either.

being away from home has been good for me. it has given me time to invest in myself and future. it is hard to look out for just myself. i like to care for others and get invested in taking care of my family and friends. taking this journey to seattle feltl like a selfish one for me. but if i didn't take it now, when would i?
and the great thing is that i'm meeting a lot of people wiht the similar position as me. other transplants who are up for adventure, exploring, and living life. it is hard to say if i'll be staying here after next year when i graduate. but i can say that i do love it here and think i am at the right place in my life right now.

happy easter!

2009-04-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

i guess it's certain days, particulary holidays, when i miss my family. this is the first easter i haven't spent with my family.
i've been all about being independent, being single, living in the city with the other 20-somethings and loners. but i am a family-oriented person.
today i went to my mom's cousins' house for easter. i really appreciate being invited and included in this family gathering, especially me being the new member to the group. i missed being in a home. i got to talk to new people, children, and dogs. these are the kinds of things i 've taken for granted back home.

it really is crazy how a little gesture like that can be so meaningful. i have to remember to reach out to others and include others on my own adventures.

2009-04-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

watching "frida" and then listening to India Arie has made me so emotional and also admired by these two women artist.

2009-04-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

another quarter of school! i'm tired of school. going back home for spring break was nice but then it also flips my world and reality upside down. i'm getting used to my life in seattle. liking my life in seattle. and then going back home takes me back to a time warp. it was weird at first getting used to the warm sun. it's hard to imagine, but being around the sun again took some getting used to. and seeing my good old friends and family reminds me of who i am, where i come from. i appreciate them but i am also reminded there is still much for me to do in seattle.
sometime u have to leave the nest, those you love, to better yourself.

i didn't realize i didn't tell a lot of people i was going to stay in seattle for the summer. it's one of the few things i'm sure of and want to do.

2009-02-05T23:14:00.001-08:00

trying to live in the present and also focus on the future. we had an internship fair this week and i surprisingly enjoyed it. i usually hate those networking type events. it's draining for me. but i realized that people in my field are usually good, friendly people.
i'm not really a planner and like to take things as they come or i dwell on the past. i'm really trying to not dwell on the past. i have a tendency to focus on the past where it is hard for me to focus on my current situation. but i really want to be living in seattle, physically and mentally. i don't want to be distracted by things back home. i want to experience living here and give this place a shot.

i think i complain about seattle but isn't that normal the first six months of living in a new place? i'm learning to adapt and get used to all that i don't have or what's different. my struggle at the current moment is the lack of men in my life right now. just having male friends or somethin'

okay, i'm exhausted. tired of reflecting. tired of thinking about my life and writing papers. i need to rest. laters!

2009-01-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

i haven't been writing or documenting my journeys in the last two months. well that's a lie. when i was back in my childhood bed, in my childhood room, i was writing furiously in my old journal. writing how i was sick (physically) or sick (mentally) of others. i was loving seattle, hating LA, loving LA, hating friends, hating family, and loving them. hate is such a powerful word and when i use the word "hating" i mean "hating on" like "don't be a hater", meaning to stop complaining.

and at the end of it all, i realized to myself, stop the hating and embrace. embrace your life, your background, your friends and family that love u and just share the love! isn't that what the holidays are all about? isn't that what being an empowered young lady all about? use what you got and make it work is my motto.

being back from the holidays after not being home for 3 1/2 months played some great philosophical and psychological games on my brain. have i changed? have the others changed? has L.A. changed? what is with everyone being so hard to get hold of? why doesn't anyone want to party? why is everyone coupling off? what do i want to do?
these were all questions that i thought of and struggled as i'm realizing my own possionality in the world and in my own little bubble.

My Status is graduate student: i don't have to worry about waking up for my 8-5pm job, meaning that i love to go to happy hours and go out on random nights. i'm also in a constant state of having little money and worrying about the future. but heck, i'm not going to let that stop me from having fun. i also get to experience studying again, staying up late and staring at the computer for hours in avoiding assigned papers. after working full time, i have really appreciated being a student again.

My Status is single: this has been a big one for me. in seattle, i have co-workers and friends who are in serious relationships. then going back home to seeing my friends in serious relationships threw my head around. should i be thinking of settling down? should i be on the hunt for mr. right?i just had to remind myself to embrace the singleness, enjoy the going out, and worry about being with someone when i actually meet that someone.

so the moral of the story, is that i enjoyed being back home. it reminded me that i'm learning a lot about myself and growing. getting outside of my comfort zone and moving to a new place has been huge for me and i think pivitol in my development. it's stepping outside the box, where i'm challenging myself with all that i thought i knew, opening new doors and possibilities, making things exciting. although there is the reminder of all the great family and friends back home who i don't get to see on a regular basis anymore.

am i WOOo girl?

2008-12-10T00:59:00.000-08:00

there is this episode on How I Met Your Mother about "woo girls". These are the group of girls who go out to a bar, dress scandolous, acting ditzy, partying, and screaming "woo" to one another. the interesting thing was how the episode talked about how these woo girls are single, intelligent women who try to enjoy going out but really these "woos" are a cry of pain, each a sign of their loneliness or other issue.

i think of this cuz where i am now there seems to be a divide of people who are single and those with partners. it's new to me. back home, single life is well promoted as everyone is selfishly trying to get their life and career off the ground. we also want to enjoy the fruits of our labors, use our 20s to go out and date around before settling down. hardly any of my friends are living with their partner back home. here, i am around a lot of couples and some of these people are my age. and it's something that takes getting used to. the biggest difference is the issue of going out. i love to go out. do i love to go out in hopes of meeting a potential date? i'm not sure. maybe. is it different when going out with the single gals vs. couples? yes.

and why should i create this division?

i just want to be a rebel and live in singledom. that's what i sometimes think. but wouldn't it be great to have a partner? it would. but there is no one i want to be my partner. no man i want to stay in with instead of going out.

so for now, i will remain a woo girl. the idea of sitting in my room, waiting for prince charming to knock on my door, does not seem so appealing.

all i want for christmas...is to see my family and friends back home

2008-12-07T03:23:00.000-08:00

why must i be so bad on updating this thing? the truth is that i am pretty busy. being a grad student with a campus grad assistantship and going to class at night, while maintaining a social life, makes me a person with not a whole lot of free time. which is good in my mind.

a lot of my big final projects were due this past week and that feels nice to be done. it's going to be finals week and i do have some stuff to do but i'm not so worried about it.

"don't worry, be happy" is how i like to think. it's when i freak out, when things get overwhelming and crazy.

this whole quarter i've feel feeling the tension in my back and shoulders. i went on a social justice retreat where we talked about listening and paying attention to our bodies. for defense, our body tells us when we are stressed to warn us. it's important to know these signals. for me, the tension is my shoulders and back.

so i decided to get a massage and then treated my self to a spa on friday. it was really fantastic! and to do something on my own! it felt strange at first to just sit and relax and not to do anything. to sit in silence. it's something i really take for granted. pure silence and relaxation. i'm always trying to fill my time and to keep my brain occupied. but we all need some rest and relaxation.

i've been in seattle for about 3 months now and it feels like a lot has and hasn't happenned. all i can say is that i love it! moving and change is always hard. making new friends, living in a new place, starting a new job and school program. but really, this has been such a transformative and positive experience for me. i'm just a girl from monterey park, california. i'm also into finding the right "institutional fit" for my professional life and also finding the right fit for where i want to live. seattle has been the right choice for me in a lot of ways in the place i want to live. sure, it would be nice if it was warmer but i don't have much to complain about.

i'm really curious to see how it's going to feel to go back home. it seems like i'm one of the few people in my program who is going home for the whole winter break. i really do love my family and friends back home and want to spend as much time as i can with them.

Hope Won

2008-11-13T00:11:00.000-08:00

Picture above is at capitol hill (Seattle) where there was a street party when we found out obama won. this happened down the street from my school and my friends and i joined in the party. people were literally dancing and drinking in the streets. how many presidents elected had people dancing and celebrating in the streets?

damn, i love my neighborhood. it's cracy. it felt like new years! we were chanting "USA" ! there was this strange patriotism among us alternative indie youth. singing the national anthem. singing along to journey's "don't stop believing..."

change can happen people! we need hope, we need to work together, and yes we can!

can we take these political message into our everyday lives? already in class, we were talking about hope, and yes we can in the messages we give our students to motivate them to work towards success.

a change is gonna come. so i'm thinking, to continue to work towards the changes i want in my life. have good relationships with people, develop my career goals and plans, enjoy grad school, enjoy seattle....

no rain, no gain

2008-09-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

this weekend seemed more social then my past weekends. on saturday, i went to the Fremont Oktoberfest which had over 70 breweries and so many different types of beer represented. On the sad side, it was raining the whole day, more like a hard sprinkle. But we were determined to go and i already pre-bought the tickets.
so the adventure began by taking the bus to the U-district (aka where the huge University of Washington is located) to meet my roommate's friend David. From the U-district, we take the bus to Fremont. I'm a little shocked the event is all outside and there isn't much covering but people are there and drinking anyway. The old LA chanda wouldn't go to this event because of the rain. she would've complained and complained. but i keep telling myself to try to bite my tongue when i want to complain about the rain. to create the idea in my head that the rain will not stop me doing what i want to do. so do as the seattlites do. if seattle is going to have a huge beer festival outside, then we are all going to wear our rain gear and drink! i wish i took a photo of all the North Face jackets and rain jackets sipping their mugs of beer.
and it was fun!

today my roommate invited me to her co-workers birthday party. he's japanese american and it was great to meet his friends and family who are active in the asian american community and seattle community at large. i really do want to become active in the asian american and people of color communities here in seattle and it felt good to be meeting people outside school. and being around other japanese americans feel like home to me.

so its interesting how i have been pondering how i'm going to meet people and make friends. part of me wants to say put yourself out there. other times i think to just sit back and let things happen. but i do think its a combo of the two. i have to let others know what i'm interested in and what i like so that i can be included and invited to things.

always sunny in seattle

2008-09-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

i had last friday off and the weather really has been amazing. i decided let me embrace some of my so cal-ness and hit the beach. so i went to Alki Beach in seattle which really was pretty. i parked my car, packed some fruit and a journal and just walked. for one thing, there is amazing views of downtown seattle from the beach. also, there are old tree trunks on the beach to sit on. september really is a beautiful month in seattle. thank you seattle weather gods for making my first month so nice!

i start school on wed, september 24. got to love quarter system! but for now its working my graduate assistantship. i get to do staff training tomorrow til wed. i'm really excited to meet my staff.

as worrying about making friends and getting to know the area, things are actually going well. this week was meeting the new and returning grad students, getting to know the people in my office, my neighborhood, and seattle at large. like tonight, i saw an old friend from my ucla hawaii summer program who is in town. so many connections with people and you just never know where you are going to meet up again. we ate in the international district at a japanese restaurant and boba after. so happy to have good japanese food and boba here!

oh and here are pictures in my room which have been a working progress. i got the office chair and desk for free! plus my aunt gave me the free bed. i really hawaiian themed my room on purpose and also organically. i just love hawaiian floral print. plus, i want my room to be very lively and uplifting with the aloha spirit to cheer me up when its all gloomy and raining.

2008-09-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

i got a haircut at Rudy's Barbershop near my school. They have some in LA, i think in silverlake.

i don't know why but just getting a haircut felt like a new experience that was fun and a gamble. back home, i'm used to going to my paul mitchell school for a haircut. now in seattle, i have to find my new specialist(s).

was bargain hunting for furniture. our place is starting to come together. this yard sale near our house was by these guys in their 20's. they offered us beers and cookies as we looked around. do i need to say more why i think my neighborhood is so cool?

and i also live near the upper middle class urban living area and they have block parties. like i was walking yesterday and they have several streets closed with signs saying, "Street closed 12-3pm: Block Party". and they have all the families eating together out on the street. cute! charming! community-i love it!

i'm here- in Seattle that is

2008-09-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

i'm glad to report that i am alive and well in seattle. i had a great time driving up here with shira. we made a stop in san mateo to hang out with trish and friends. then stayed in portland with angie. portland is a cool city but i think i like seattle better. but then again, i didn't explore a whole lot there. but they do have a great transportation that is always a plus.

i moved into my new apartment on saturday with my new roommie, a fellow grad student in the same program. shira and i spent time getting stuff for the apartment, bargain hunting, and exploring.

i started work on tuesday. the impression i get from my co-workers and the people i work with is really great energy. people around me here have been using the word "energy" and i guess its something i've been thinking of. what kind of energy you bring to a place and how that effects the mood and other people.

i don't start school til sept 24 so for now its workin' at my grad job and trying to move in properly. my room is currently at a tornado-state. but i hope to get a bed today from my aunt. and hopefully a desk this weekend.

so what do i think of seattle and my neighborhood so far? i like it. i know my view is skewed cuz the weather has been really good. no rain and sunny. i love the little neighborhood i am in surrounded by cute mom and pop shops, but in a trendy way. right next to my apartment is an independent coffee shop, Kingfish Cafe (soul/creole restaurant), aikido dojo, hip children's store, small independent theater, and a fusion vietnamese restaurant. i should post a photo.

what amazes me about seattle living is how nature is blended in the urbanness of the city. it seems that no matter where i am, i'm close by to a park or water that just seems to calm me.

the only thing i'm anxious about is meeting people and making good relationships. i miss having my friends and family back home to go out with and talk.

Got to get moving ...

2008-08-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

from the words of Katchafire

"hey you
got to get up
got to get out
got to get moving"

is summer over? is it now time to get serious?

i'm now in the process of packing up, getting ready to leave to seattle. crazy!

2008-08-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

i'm obsessed with my favorite reggae band katchafire. i decided, wth, i'm going to drive down to san diego right now, visit one of my cool friends and see katchafire for a 3rd night this week. isn't that what being young and what summer is all about? indulge, one love, peace!

o those summer nights

2008-08-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

(pic taken at orange county buddhist church obon festival)

japanese obon festivals in the summer is just one of those things that i love about summer. being outdoors, good food, dancing, families - isn't that what summer is all about?

summer is always a time of reflection for me. since i've been in school most of my live and now working at schools, my year starts in the fall and i get a break in the summer. therefore, i always see my summers as a time for relaxation, adventure, fun, and most of all, REFLECTION. i can't help but be in my childhood bedroom, surrounded by my journals, old books, group photos of high school and college and think about the person that i was then and the person i am now.
and i think what my friend told me, you have to understand your past to go on with your present. and i think about the roots i have here in monterey park, la, the oc, heck southern california. this is where my friends and family are, the communities where i feel i belong to, with areas that are familiar to me and dear to my heart. but i like to think i want to start my adult life, a new journey.

two weeks ago i couldn't believe i was in Kirkland, Washington staying with my second cousin originally from New Mexico who i never met before. i was suddenly looking for an apartment in Seattle. i've never really looked for an apartment like this and it was a challenge. everything was starting to hit me that i will be living in seattle. moving to new place, to a new school, new job, and making new friends. a new boyfriend would be nice too.

san fran tales

2008-07-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

so much happening which reminds me of what i love about summer. taking trips. friends visiting town. being outside. bbqs. flip flops. summer dresses.

end of june, i found myself in san francisco. traveling alone, visiting different friends, with little planned, and being there during SF gay pride weekend- maybe i should make this an annual trip as i did the same thing last year. sf is such a cool place and a place i find myself adapting to so easily.

my last day there, i went to a place i've never been in sf- the SF MOMA (Museum of Modern Art). there was a special exhibit on Frida Kahlo. i was really moved by this exhibit, as Frida's life and art really touched me. It was just so sad, inspiring, and hopeful. Her art reflected her life and how she interpreted her life and how she felt. And it made me think of how i handle things. when something is troubling me, it takes over everything. it consumes me and that is what fears me. i fear falling in love. of being consumed by someone and being hurt. Frida loved her husband, famed artist, Diego Rivera, so much and then was devastated to find out that he had an affair with her younger sister. they did patch things up and remarry. but that pain and betrayal is something i'd like to avoid. but of course, you've got to gamble sometimes to try to find the truth and pursuit of happiness.

Happy Loving Day

2008-06-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967)[1], was a landmark civil rights case in which the United States Supreme Court declared Virginia's anti-miscegenation statute, the "Racial Integrity Act of 1924", unconstitutional, and ending all race-based legal restrictions on marriage in the United States.

on june 12, i celebrated Happy Loving Day!
only 41 years ago was it made legal to marry a person from another race. it feels like our country has gone so far but still need to progress. like with the gay marriages in california at this moment, which will be put on the ballot in november. i like to think we all have things equally but usually those marginized group we sometimes forget about remain unequal and with not the same access and resources.

as to celebrating Loving Day i went to FIRST ever Mixed Root Literary and Media Festival at the Japanese American National Museum (my hood- how could i not go?)

how great it felt to be amongst the mixed community. to be surrounded by mixed artist, film makers, poets, writers as they breakthough the art and culture world. most of my knowledge and community of the mixed has been through the mixed asian community and mostly my age group. at this festival, i was surrounded by a majority black mixed group and all ages, usually older then me. it was a breath of fresh air as it reminded me of how times are always changing, there is somethings always new to learn. i just have to be open to the challange.

on thursday, i heard this great writer and speaker, rebecca walker. she spoke about the 5 things a mixed person should do or not do. some things she made me think about

no longer being the tragic mulatto. there has been talk of the tragic mulatto to be the mixed person who feels like their life is so tragic or hard because they are mixed. it's also something other ppl have put on the mulatto, like you have two cultures, your life must be so hard. but come on now. we should embrace our mixedness and be proud!

to not self-sacrifice yourself. to make sure that you know what you are getting into and that your cause follows under your own ethic and moral beliefs. also, to know your limits and know how much you can or cannot commit. i want to have a personal life that doesn't always involve my work or other passions.

and then she talked about spirituality. how being mixed she felt pulled in lots of different directions and could think of 2 sides to every situation. this leading her to find spirituality to ultimately bring her freedom.

FREEDOM! this is something that i ultimately am trying to pursue. freedom of mind.
growing up, i've always avoided conversations about faith and spirituality but i think i wasn't ready to challenge myself with those ideas. now, i am starting to ask myself those questions on my beliefs. why don't we have more conversations about spirituality?

ok, these race conferences and talks always raise a bunch of issues that you can tell have been all jumbled in my head. but anyways, i enjoyed this event as it motivated me and reminded me that their others that feel just the same way as i do. i am grateful and take for granted the feeling of finding a place to belong.

2008-06-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

i celebrated my birthday last saturday. well on friday with the fam and saturday with friends at a lounge in hollywood. things had its ups and downs but all in all a good time. feels good to share those moments with people that i care about.

i am trying to remind myself that its not by the number of people you get out to your events but the quality. a good group of people can make any situation great.

my friend shira is moving to newport beach and it was nice to spend the night there. i was reminded that i do secretly like orange county although i do tend to hate on it. why do we hate the things we also like? i guess i have a love/hate relationship with everything. and sometimes i feel that i have gotten so caughts up in LA that i don't want to leave.

after hanging out in newport with my friend, i decided to go to one of my fav places near my old alma mater, Panera Bread. There i was surrounded by OC beauty and happy friendly families and college students. Damn that brocolli cheddar soup! so good! after that, as i was driving home, i thought, what the heck, i miss the beach, and explored a new beach, Sunset Beach. the beach is one of my favorite past times of living in Orange County and i really don't go so much now.

* with it being summer and thinking of my love for the beach i can't help but feel a longing to be in hawaii. i also have this desire to go to new zealand. it's that island style livin and the people that really excite me. how can i feel like hawaii is my home when LA is?
its a little ironic that i will be leaving to live in seattle in a few months, the land of rain, which will be a hard weather adjustment for me. but i do believe they have another natural beauty.

i guess what i'm thinking is that different places are special in their own right. i think i've just been spoiled by living and exploring such beautiful and diverse places.

**keep on exploring the beauty in your local surroundings.

saturday night fever

2008-06-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

i just love to dance! when did i really start to appreciate dancing ? there are some awkward moments in 6th grade with the boys against one wall of the school cafeteria and the girls on the other. dancing in high school with some boy when i was actually gazing at the other guy i wish i could be dancing with. ditching my date to dance with my fellow comrades.

but there are such great moments. such great diversity and all u have to do is have fun people who also love to dance, a dj or live band, and u just dance to the beat. i love that i can dance to all different kinds of music too depending on where i am, what i'm into, or just what night i happenned to end up at the club. be in trance, techno, a gay club, persian, latin, hip hop, reggae, dancehall, soul, funk - i can dance to a lot of stuff and have a great time.

i do think that more and more i try to get away from the popular, the huge, generic club. maybe its being a rebel. maybe that's not my scene or that i don't like to be in that crowded space paying top dollar just to dance.

i just love to feel free. free to do whatever move i want. its like that runners high or like at a concert. the perfect moments when everyone is dancing and having a good time.

that's kinda what i find dangerous yet exciting about LA. they have so many places to dance with different types of music and different crowds, changing night to night. but still, got to find the right people to go with and find that balance of not overdoing it.

yAY to all my dancing comrades!!!

I am what I am

2008-05-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

i went to the long beach gay pride for a 3rd year in a row. got to induce long lines, spending $$, dancing and drinking, and under way too hot conditions. but nonetheless, another great time with one of my friends.

the spring/summer is festival time although really there are festivals and celebrations going all year round in sunny so cal. the week before that, i went to the first every Taiwan Fest in Downtown LA right next to Union STation and Olvera STreet. these two festivals was a reminder how diverse and how many different communities there are in LA. and why don't we all just share the love?

so i would recommend, get outside and check out that neighborhood festival. u might suprise yourself or learn something new.

2008-05-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

my life feels cloudy and disorganized right now. my fortune cookie told me today, "you're judgment might be off." that's not a fortune. but it turned out right. i was working til almost 9pm today not answering my phone. i missed the phone calls of my family to tell me that my grandfather is in the hospital and is having serious problems with his kidney. and then i get some smug comment my dad saying how i don't care about this family.
hmmhmmhmm... so i have been on the edge and stress with my family. but doesn't that happen with everyone? and what is with guilt or feeling obligated?
i feel the push and pull all the time. do i try to be a good daughter/sister or just try to listen to myself and do my own thing?
does it have to be something horrible to happen to make u see the light? to appreciate?

2008-05-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

Picture: Scoops ice cream shop near LACC (Los Angeles Community College). This is one of my favorite places/ice cream in town. the owner is a man who loves what he does, being creative and making these daily creations of goodness. bringing flavors together you would never imagine eating.
The crazy thing about when I come over here is to think about how I grew up around here.
Yes, I have lived in the nice hillside area of Monterey Park most of my life but most people do not know of my childhood spent off of Melrose Ave. in Los Angeles.
as a child of two full-time parents, i needed a babysitter to take care of my brother and I. my parents found an elder filipino couple in los angeles. I spent my days since i was a baby til i went to pre-school plus summers until i was 7 or 8 at their home off of melrose. i think that is why i have a soft spot for filipinos.
they did not have money as most of their money came from their daughter who was a nurse and from the babysitting. so we lived in a simple way. we grew plants and fruit in the yard. would walk to to the community college to find and recycle bottle and cans where my brother and i would find tennis balls at the tennis courts to play with. we would hang out with the other kids that would some time stay, or the other filipino friends and relatives that would frequent the house. it was with this older couple that i had a wonderful childhood as i felt they were my surrogate grandparents.
when i went to pre-school it was hard for me. i would cry every day for weeks because i missed them. my dad would pick me up at lunch every day to take me to see them. finally i was able to let them go and go to school full time.

when i was around junior high age, we saw them for the last time. their daughter was moving up north and wanted them to go with her. even as i saw them for the last time, she made me a huge thing of spaghetti we loved to take home. she cried as we hugged good bye and it was so sad to see her in that way. i never heard from them again.

be aggressive..(clap-clap) BE-E AGGRESSIVE

2008-04-13T19:30:00.001-07:00

i saw Lela Lee, the creator and artist of angry little girls (see comics below). she came to speak at occidental college, about being an Asian American woman and angry, doing something about it, and the journey she has taken to creating a comic, characters, and merchandise. her talk actually made me think about how it is interesting how women do react to anger in different ways. she talked about how it isn't acceptable for women to show anger, so it's interesting to see how women channel that anger in psychological ways. that's why the film 'mean girls' is so funny and to the truth because girls are malicious, manipulative, and play a lot of mind games to channel that anger.

so how do i channel my anger? i don't like conflict and i think that's why i've definetly been challenged this year with women who like to deal with conflict so differently then me: quickly approach the problem when it happens, straight to the point, a little harsh at times, and then move on. i've grown up differently. i usually don't want to stir up any problems so usually let it pass. but then, does the person really get to know how i feel and to understand me? definetly doing a lot of growth and change in this department lately.

a place to call my own

2008-04-13T19:29:00.001-07:00

wish upon a star...

2008-03-11T22:05:00.001-07:00

Be careful what you wish for because it may come true. It's always a trip when I realize that my dream/goal has actually come true. It's mind blowing and i guess i put myself in a state of denial.

I have been having this itch to move to Seattle and go to grad school for some time now. Before i knew it, the grad application was being processed, i was applying to graduate assistantships, and then i was being invited by the university to interview for an assistantship.
last week i found myself in seattle. i still couldn't believe i was there.
it has been 3 years ago since i've been to washington and discovered what a beautiful place it is. and now, i may be spending the next 2 years of my life there. it's crazy i tell u. just crazy.

and who knows why things happen or how things somehow magically work and connect the way you want it. but when the opportunity arises, you've got to jump and take it. yes, it's going to be hard to say good bye to my friends and family, this wonderful place i call home. but on the other hand, leaving soon is making me appreciate these things and people so much more.

2008-02-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

opening up is one of the hardest things to do. sure, i like to have a lot of friends but those that i share my core, really trust, are a very selected few, and even those don't know lots about me.

and from old blogs, i have brought up the issue of my shyness and my keeping things in. but on the other hand, i am very expressive and love to talk to friends for hours about feelings and such.

what about confrontation? i hate it. i avoid it all costs. being confronted yesterday caught me off guard. i couldn't run away from it. i had to take it in. take in the constructive criticism. think of new ways to improve myself.
and all i want to do is runaway. and i can't. it's time to face my fears. go forward. take more initiative.

"let's push things forward "- the streets

2008-02-07T23:22:00.000-08:00

the pressure is on. when i think about it, we sometimes need a little pressure and deadlines to push us to get things done. if there wasn't a deadline for my grad school apps, would i really get them done and turn them in? probably not.
i guess for that matter, it's good to set goals, deadlines, and due dates. that being said, it's a real pain in the butt getting them done.
so i turned in another app. now got one school app to do and one app to get a grad job coming up. it's crazy to think that my life can completely change in a matter of months. i have gotten so used to working the 9-5 serving students and i'm going to be a student again. and i 'm realizing it's not going to be all fun and games like i'm fantacizing about. there's that part of school that i forget. the tons of reading, staying up late, procrastinating, writing, and to top it off, my field work will take a big chunk of my time. but i really look forward to that. the routine of working the office life 9-5 is draining and i want to be active and moving again.

that being said, thanks for the friends and family who are coping and supporting me right now. ok i know my family doesn't read this but i've just been a real beech to them lately. and i think they just think that i hate being home and can't wait to get out of there. and sometimes that's true but i really do enjoy being at home. there is a comfort coming home after a long day of work, having a meal ready for u (well sometimes), digital cable, my family, and my dog.
like last night, i came home, after being in crappy traffic, and the power is out in my neighborhood. my sister is sleeping and no one else is home. it was kinda a sad and lonely moment. what am i supposed to do with myself ? so i hopped in bed with my dog curled next to me. got a candle and started reading. 5 minutes later, i'm having one of the best sleeps all month.
i struggle with wanting independence and to live on my home vs. to live and be around those that i care the most about. i guess it doesn't have to be one or the other

2008-01-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

i loved the movie 'juno'. you should see it, although if you haven't by now something must be wrong with you. haha. i identified with that movie in a lot more ways then i thought i would. it was really strange.

maybe this film got me thinking about pregnancy and babies. suddenly pregnancy and young mothers have been popping in the media lately in my eyes. i randomly ended up at a park in irvine on a swing when a family came over to celebrate a girls first birthday. so there is the 1 year old girl on the swing beside me. i felt a few things. like how i shouldn't lose my child innocence. second, i'm growing up. third, i want a baby of my own one day.

this weird feeling of wanting a baby is quite random. but to think about it, i've always known i wanted children and always knew that one day i will become a mother. don't worry, i can insure you that my plans do not include a baby for the next few years. and it just makes me think how we continue to grow and change identities. i'm going through the crazy soul and career searching fight for independence early 20s phase.
who knows what is ahead of me? i can't plan everything.

Finding Quality Men in this town

2008-01-17T22:58:00.000-08:00

isn't it fun to just have a crush for a distraction? i miss crushes. i guess i just miss liking guys. i feel like it's been awhile since i've liked someone. really long since i REALLY liked someone.
a girl asked me, "are you single and happy or single and looking?"
well, i thought, i'm not single and looking, but am i happy?
and for the most part i am happy with being single. but let's be real, if you met someone great, you both clicked, would you really want to stay single?

so the question, how do i meet men?
off the top of my head, the prime targets:
-through friends
-never really was hopeful with this option
-work
- i work in female-ville. so unless i want to date someone younger or way older, i'm at a lost.
-some sort of extra-curricular activity
- again limited as i do few extra curricular activities anymore. i'm no longer active in social/cultural clubs, sports, or go to church or anything like that.
-from online
- i have considered this option but decided to put that on hold til i really want to go for it. i've looked at some dating sites for fun and even that, i realized something. i'm really picky and judgmental. i'm just judging from a profile pic and what their profile says and there are a few that interest me. and really, you can't tell how you interact with someone unless you meet them in person. although that's not really the case anymore in this cyber-age.
-some of the places i frequent (i.e. restaurants, clothing stores, amoeba)
- i don't have the lucky quality of my sister being cute and flirty to stranger guys, so i don't get guys throwing out their number to me as i shop at the market. i have seen it happen to my sister, and i am amazed and creeped out at the same time.
-the nightclub and bar
- it's really sad is that this is the most likely place that i do meet guys and usually has to do in an under the influence state, with dark lighting, and with other false pretenses (like how we are dressed at our best/sluttiest at these things). and i come with a bad attitude, i don't want to meet my future boyfriend from a club.

OK, as i wrote these things i realized a problem. The problem is MY ATTITUDE. i keep stressing the importance of your perspective going into something, and look at my attitude towards finding a man in l.a. I 'm very pessimistic. I practically think it's impossible to meet quality men in l.a. The times that i do meet some cool guys or cool people in general is when i'm feeling positive, friendly, and socialable.

okay, so conclusion. be more optimistic. bring a positive mindset and actually make an effort to find love. LOVE?! well not to find love, just to find some interesting cool people in general that i would like to spend some time with. Most important, i need to bring on the confidence and friendliness. never an easy task.

explore l.a.

2008-01-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

i went to this cool night out at the natural history museum in l.a. to see bands, afternoon and sea wolf on a rainy day. it was such a peaceful, relaxing and beautiful show.
it's funny how well of a time you have is pretermined by the outlook that you already have. before i would hate the rain, not want to go out, and stay in. but now i'm learning to appreciate the rain and it was actually fun to take the journey through the rain. it was even fun trying to cross the huge puddles of water to the parking lot.
i'm telling you, positive outlook is everything.
and speaking of positive outlook, i'm really starting to appreciate los angeles. i've embraced it. i'm trying to disect it, and make it my own.
afterward, we had to hit up chano's for the yummy yummy chili cheese fries. the more i think about it, the more i feel lucky to be where i am and live in this crazy place. when i was in vegas, i was actually starting to miss l.a.
so my advice, go out there and explore l.a. or whatever town that you currently are in. there are a million things happening around you, and it's up to you to take advantage of it.
places to start looking, www.yelp.com, www.going.com, www.laweekly.com

A Brand New Year, A Fresh Start

2008-01-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

welcome to my new blog! a new year, a fresh start will be my attitude for this year. i spent my new year's in las vegas! the city of sin, vice, and a place to act on your desires. "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" is a great motto for this place cuz i think we all need a place to go and get crazy sometimes. we spend so much time following the norm, doing what is expected of us, being responsible and so forth. but we're only human. and humans deserve some fun!
my trip resulted in having one of the worse partying experiences to one of the most memorable. and i think that helped me sum up my year and my outlook on life. you can't let the bad stuff stop you. stop and think about your actions and how you can approve, and then get back out there.