feeling blue yet feeling true

why don't i blog anymore? it's funny or scary how as we get older we are more protected and guarded to share components of who we are. i get nervous about putting information online where all can see, where i can be held accountable, where i can be judged or offend others.

yet i love to express myself and my medium to do that has always been in the reflection manner or journaling.

so what's with my image? i've been in a funky negative mood these days. luckily, it's picking back up. i like to think of myself as a laid back person who is able to stay calm and not sweat the small stuff. stress is my enemy and i try to avoid it. but i have faced stress one too many times this quarter.

the big cause of my stress has been job searching. this is my first big job search as i get ready to graduate from my master's program. there is an added pressure for me to get a full time job that i'm happy with and something that relates to my master's that i spend my last two year effort in. there are so many questions to ask myself and think about during this process.

where do i want to go? stay in seattle. go back to cali. go somewhere, anywhere.

what am i looking for in a job? what kind of office do i want to work for and with whom?

what are my non-negotiables?

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as i was rejected from a position that i wanted and could solve many of my issues so i could stay here in Seattle, I've had to do some accepting. i learned not to let my ego get the best of me. it's so easy to throw in the towel, hate the world, and hide in a shell. but who wins in that situation? i have to believe, be hopeful, and have faith. i believe there is something out there for me. i believe my hard work will pay off.

second, i have learned that it is important for self-care and to get support during these stressful times. i had some break down moments this quarter as i was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of being burnt out. i have a 20 hour graduate job on campus, a 12 hour internship with a 30 minute commute, two graduate courses, and my volunteer work with the Japanese community - plus trying to have a social life.

i like to think that i can multi task well but sometimes its time to give something up so i can enjoy some peace and quiet. Learning to find a balance in my life has always been a challenge and something i strive for and it's funny how i again have to re-evaluate my priorities in life.

so i don't know how to end this entry. but i do want to say thank you for the support and how important it is to have relationships in my life. sometimes i realize i don't reach out enough. i like helping others so much but don't like asking others for help or sharing that i'm struggling. some of you are far away and i realize the lines of communication is varied and that's why i do appreciate blogs and facebook or email.

i wish i could just share about all that is great in my life and how much fun i'm having in seattle but there's my ego talking, and let's be real, life is hard and we can connect through the good times and the bad times. so with that, i say good night and i'm going to go watch a cheesy movie that involves LA and joseph gordon lovitt.